THE CONFESSION:
“I never thought communicating with my co-founder would be this hard.
I go into conversations with the best intentions, but they always seem to end in tension. Misunderstandings build up, leaving me feeling frustrated, guilty, and stuck.
I care deeply about this partnership, both personally and professionally, but it’s exhausting when every attempt to communicate feels like it only widens the gap.
What would you suggest to help?”
I chose this confession as January is the perfect time to reset your communication habits. And I use the word ‘habits’ intentionally, as that is exactly what our communication tends to consist of: regular and repeated behaviour that is often subconscious.
Here’s some important insights and truths about communication:
The most important thing is listening, not speaking. Really listen to what’s being said, without simply waiting for your turn to speak.
Communication is made up of words, tone of voice and body language.
We communicate from our own unique blueprint - our patterns, beliefs, and experiences - meaning we have no understanding or control over how our partner perceives an interaction.
A big challenge therefore is assumption. Assuming your partner feels X or means Y is often where tension stems from.
Communication is by nature a shared experience. No one person therefore is responsible for creating tension (in most cases), so always take responsibility for your role in interactions.
Communication is a skill and an ever evolving practice. You can’t ‘complete’ it, it’s something you’ll continually need to work on.
5 SIMPLE YET TRANSFORMATIVE COMMUNICATION TOOLS
1 - “Do you want me to listen or give my opinion?”
Back to my previous point, listening has huge value. And sometimes we need to express something and have someone just LISTEN. We don’t even want their opinion, and when someone replies with an opinion it can actually negatively impact the conversation. Even if it’s shared with good intention.
So when you or your partner want to express something, make it clear whether you want them to just listen, or whether you want their opinion / ideas / feedback. That way you both know what’s expected and it ensures the exchange is valuable.
2 - Level 1, 2 and 3 conversations
This is a great tool to use to:
Consider where most of your ‘chat’ sits with your co-founder, and how you feel about that. What do you want more or less of?
If you want to share something vulnerable, by simply saying, ‘can we have a level 3 chat?’ instantly creates permission for that conversation with a shared understanding of what’s expected.
Level 1: Surface chat
Water-cooler convos, quick updates, day-to-day exchanges
Level 2: Personal chat
Sharing ideas, asking questions and discussing perspectives
Level 3: Vulnerable chat
Your current feelings and why you’re feeling them - connecting on a deeper, truly authentic level
3 - Start with intentions to avoid assumptions
Before jumping into a discussion, clarify your intentions. At the start of a conversation / catch up, both say what you want to talk about and why.
This helps set a collaborative tone, gets you on the same page, and avoids anyone feeling blindsided.
4 - Use “I” Statements
Use “I” statements to express feelings and perspectives without placing blame. For example, “I’m feeling overwhelmed about this deadline” instead of “You’re not pulling your weight.”
This helps remove emotional charge from conversations and resets the individual responsibility we have for our own feelings and experiences.
5 - Practice active listening by reflecting back
A classic coaching technique, and a really effective one. Make sure you’ve heard and understood what your co-founder has said by paraphrasing it back to them before you respond. IE, “To make sure I’m clear, you’re saying…, is that right?”
This shows your listening (which is great for connection) and ensures you clearly understand what they’re saying without making any assumptions.
A QUESTION FOR YOU ALL TO ASK YOUR CO-FOUNDERS:
HOW CAN WE IMPROVE OUR COMMUNICATION USING THESE TOOLS?
This edition was published on the 10th January 2025
